Integritus Prime

I just finished attending a 3-day course on Mindful communications and boundary setting. It was really an eye-opening topic, so many things to learn after unpacking and unlearning so many of the conditioned behaviors.

Let me elaborate. I started life in a very rigid patriarchal society where there was serious gender stereotyping. Women and children just did what they were told. I saw my mum slaving away happily day in and day out. Dad was a teacher and we moved houses and neighborhoods often after staying in a place for several years.

As I grew older, I started seeing other families with similar living patterns. Women never complained and children mostly did what they were told or got beaten when they defaulted.

As a very sheltered teenager, I witnessed domestic violence for the first time that I can recall. This was so abhorrent to me, and I could not understand the logic of a man hitting his wife. For me seeing children being beaten by adults was a norm, but women? Now, that did not make sense to me at all.

So when I got into a relationship, the only ‘condition’ I made with my partner was that if he physically abused me, I was going to walk out of that relationship. I did not know the word ‘boundary’ then. This situation, of not knowing about boundaries, remained with me for years. I learned about policies, guidelines, work ethics and many other things, but boundaries were an enigma.

It is only in the last 10 years or so that I started learning about boundaries. My first reaction was: I feel guilty about setting boundaries. It felt like selfishness as I was brainwashed to give without wanting anything for myself. Not only patriarchy but religion also taught me to ‘serve’ like a slave without wanting anything for myself. Not even time for self-care or recharging was allowed, it seemed, for women.

My working life was no exception, I did long hours, night-shifts, and pitched in when a colleague did not turn up or was sick. It wasn’t only me that was neglected, my family suffered as well. When I finally started working a regular day shift, there was so much criticism, jealousy and back–biting from colleagues who were working late hours. I was made to feel guilty.

So, after attending this course, a couple of weeks ago (I’ve retired for almost 10 years now), I find that we can have healthy boundaries about work and personal life, so there’s room for so much more such as self-love, self-care, recharging after giving, performing and serving.

Also a big aha moment was when I learned that there are so many dimensions in which we can set boundaries such as emotional, time boundaries, spiritual boundaries, and others. My fellow classmates were equally stunned to find out they could set so many kinds of boundaries.

Another aha moment was that boundaries must have consequences that need to be enforced. They could be set assertively and not necessarily as a threat, which is what my ‘boundary’ as a teenager must have sounded like.

My one boundary which I called a ‘condition’ was that I will not tolerate physical abuse and I had probably said that as a threat: ‘If you hit me, I’m gone’. However, it did have a consequence attached and I’m proud of that.

My only regret is that I did not learn about setting boundaries and mindful communications earlier in life. Hindsight is a good teacher, I could have had a much better life of self-love and self-care, had I known about these as a teenager or even a young adult. I encourage our readers to think seriously and learn about mindful communications and setting boundaries. It could greatly improve your quality of life.

Share with us your experiences with or without boundaries.

Written by the inimitable Dr. Margaret Cornelius, our guest blogger extraordinaire.