Integritus Prime

We have been talking about abuse and related topics for a while, and then this term DARVO popped up. The full version sounded so familiar that I had to research further and share its effects and coping mechanisms. DARVO stands for Deny, Attack and Reverse Victim and Offender. This is a psychological manipulation technique used by offenders to make the victim feel like the offender – sound familiar?

The victim is told that it was their fault that the offender did something bad to them; or that they are too sensitive, over-reacting and blowing the attack out of proportion. The accusation makes the victim feel unsure of what they suffered. It makes them feel like the perpetrator in the eyes of the audience. A very clever psychological manipulation technique indeed!

The victim knows what they suffered, what was not right and how their boundaries were crossed, but using the DARVO technique the abusers deflect the blame on to the victims. The perpetrator endeavors to negate the survivor’s experience, succeeding most times.

Here is a very simple and brief professional example:

Bill: “You told the team something I shared with you privately. That really hurt me.”

Jordan: “I never told them anything. You’re always twisting things and creating drama.”

Bill: “I’m only trying to explain what happened and how it’s harmed me.”

Jordan: “Unbelievable. Now you’re attacking me and making me look like a terrible person. I’m the one who should be upset.”

We have also seen this technique used to some extent by some authorities when victims report abuse, for example sexual assault. Victims are asked questions like: What were you doing there? What were you wearing? Were you drunk or drinking alcohol? Such questions wrongfully imply the assault was the victims’ fault.

DARVO is also common in romantic relationships – for example:

Wife: “Last night you shouted at me, called me useless and punched the wall. I felt frightened.”

Husband: “I didn’t frighten you. You’re exaggerating, as usual.”

Wife: “I’m telling you how your behaviour affected me.”

Husband: “You’re the one who kept provoking me. Now you’re trying to make me look abusive when I’m the one who has to put up with you.”

When the DARVO technique is used on the actual victim, it has a profound effect on their emotional and mental health. It makes victims doubt themselves, traumatizes them and causes anxiety. Living with abusers is difficult enough, but having them use the DARVO technique causes more emotional and mental health issues such as chronic anxiety, depression and confusion, such as not knowing what is happening anymore, and not trusting one’s own reality. The victims walk on eggshells around the abuser, afraid anything they say may trigger a verbal attack. I have personal experience with this technique and have seen it in many movies but I didn’t realize that this is a documented manipulation technique.

To be able to cope with this situation, the easiest solution is to move away or end the relationship and seek mental health advice or therapy. Easier said than done! Some other ways to cope are to know about DARVO, document the time and type of abuse when it happens; set and enforce boundaries: opt for counseling alone or with the abuser; seek help from mental health professionals such as psychologists, psychiatrists or therapists and join a support group if needed. This will prevent the victims from living in chronic anxiety and/or depression.

Share with us your experience with DARVO.