Integritus Prime

A client recently sent me a link to one of Caroline Myss’ archetype videos on YouTube. It was about narcissism, and it got me reflecting about my own painful experiences in the past with multiple narcissistic individuals. This post summarizes highlights from the video and adds my own insights. For the record, narcissistic personality disorder is a complicated illness, and this post won’t get into the details, but share some anecdotes.

Caroline Myss is an American author who is well known for her wellness and mysticism work. In this video, she speaks about some of the characteristics of narcissists, and her views are in alignment with the mainstream. Here’s a breakdown:

1. Extreme self-importance: Narcissists believe they are more important than everyone else. They behave as if they are royalty. I recall a relationship in which the person didn’t have any prestigious qualifications, or even a college degree, but behaved as though they “were born for something special”, as Myss puts it. They had created an aura of importance, and it wasn’t until I visited their home and realized it was someone else’s, that I began to see beyond the facade – they had been creating a false sense of extravagance to feed their ego.
2. Power Cravings: Narcissists crave power, and it makes them paranoid, because they chronically lie, and expect the same from others. They are preoccupied with grandiose visions of success, and don’t want to share the credit. I recall a few people I’ve worked with who embodied this trait, and pushed me and others down, wanting to own all the power – I’ve had several colleagues and supervisors like this, who have tried to keep me in the dark, falsely believing I was out to get them, while they were actively keeping secrets and hoarding power in the organization.
3. Entitlement and credit: With all that hungriness for power, narcissists fail to put in the work. They feel that something extraordinary is owed to them, but, according to Myss, “lack ingenuity, determination, endurance, patience and hard work to achieve the extraordinary”. I have noticed the same in my relationships, where the narcissists would expect everything to be done for them, and it was never enough or good enough. One time I slaved in the kitchen and made seven dishes, and my partner (the narcissist) came in at the last minute, made one dish, and stole the show at the event. They also criticized me for the lack of salt in my cooking – tweaking all my hard work to take credit…Myss calls narcissists “tweakers” who take all the credit and ignore all your hard work.
4. Scathingly critical: Myss explains this so well – to compensate for their own lack of achievement, they are harshly critical of others. I remember one time a narcissist I cared about tried to rip me to shreds, seeking to destroy my credibility. I was really shocked and hurt. Later, when I reflected, I realized they were jealous (see next point) and they were comparing themselves to me: I have a PhD from Stanford, and they don’t have a college degree at all. While this saddened me, that they would think this way and treat me so atrociously, there was nothing I could do about it, except set boundaries and eventually leave the relationship.
5. Envious: Related to the harsh criticism, narcissists are very jealous – romantically and professionally. They do not know how to be happy for you. They seek to disempower others, according to Myss. I recall one time I was in the ER with a serious issue with my left leg, and I noticed I was being lied to, and made to feel I was at fault, due to jealousy of my recent travels and invited presentations. It was a moment of discernment I will never forget – it was like peeking behind the curtain of lies this person had been feeding me.
6. Manipulators who gaslight: Myss describes this as a set of situations in which you’re always apologizing and nothing you do is ever good enough. The best example for me was a relationship in which I was doing everything, and feeling unsafe and not sleeping at night and after a few years of this, I would become angry when gaslighted, at which point I was labeled as having anger issues, and being emotionally unstable, while they were even-keeled. After experiencing burnout, I went to therapy on two occasions for several weeks at a time, and understood that I was not the one who was emotionally unstable. I was simply people pleasing, and my partner was sucking the life right out of me through gaslighting and exploitation. Once I finally left this relationship (he was a covert narcissist – anxious, insecure and depressive), and the one after this (with an overt narcissist – openly aggressive and arrogant), I saw narcissism for what it is: a very damaging illness that I cannot help with. As a coach, this was a very humbling realization.
7. Extremely insecure: Underneath the grandiosity, narcissists have very low self-esteem, and deep insecurities that can be due to abuse as children, abandonment, and a host of other reasons. They can become bullies, hiding their insecurities and pushing others down. While consulting for an NGO, I witnessed such bullying and it was so terrible that the turnover for this organization was extremely high – they had to recruit every month!

Myss ends the video with an inspiring call to view power not as a path to satisfying the fearful ego, but rising to our true purpose and influencing power on the Earth for good. This really resonated with me, and is part of my life goal. I want to influence people to heal themselves and reach their highest potential. Something narcissism, by definition, would never do.

I want to close by saying that there’s a lot of pain out there that leads to narcissism, and that narcissists create through the ways they torture their victims. We can have compassion for both the perpetrators and the victims, and realize that we must set boundaries, and sometimes the only thing to do is leave the situation and relationship, and save yourself. Narcissists need professional help, but due to their grandiosity and ego issues, they rarely seek it out.