5 Things to Let Go
There are many things in life that we wish we could let go. I have met many people – myself included – who have expressed this opinion or wish. Unfortunately, it is not that easy. I thought about it a lot and instead of regretting what happened, decided to research about it. I found that I could let things go but need tools to do it. But first, let me share what I really needed to let go.
Here are 5 things that weighed heavily on my mind:
1. Past mistakes or poor choices. Many of us make poor choices when we are young. Peers, advertisements, our heroes or an older person we admire may influence us. In medical school I loved the smell of Consulate brand of cigarettes. My friend used to smoke this brand. Whenever they used to come in to my room, they would light up. There was no restriction then on smoking in enclosed spaces and hardly any awareness on hazards of smoking. Smoking was glamorized in most media outlets.
One day they asked me if I wanted to try. I said yes and took a hearty drag. I coughed my lungs out and decided it was not for me. Luckily, I did not try again. Later, I learned from this mistake and realized how close I was to picking up the addictive habit. For me, mistakes are supposed to teach a lesson and I am glad I learned mine. I later went on to become one of Fiji’s biggest anti-tobacco advocates.
2. Guilt. I always felt it was my fault when something went wrong. Especially, when I felt that someone got emotionally hurt. I always debated whether I should sugar coat the truth if it was going to hurt someone. Telling people directly that they are lying was never a good experience for me. Now I realize that it can be done gently and kindly, as it might be their survival mode that makes them lie. I learned this in the ‘Mindful Communications and Boundary Setting for Women’ course taught by Marilyn. Now, I can call people out if they are lying but do it gently and kindly.
3. Toxic relationships. Without doubt we should let toxic relationships go. I had a lot of respect for a person who owned and managed a private organization. But, after they asked me to consult for them, I realized how toxic they were, not only to me but also to all their employees. The recipients of the services from the organization worshipped them and praised this leader, but the workers suffered greatly. Not only did I sever all relationship with them but also helped some of the workers find respite and heal.
4. Fear of failure. Failing was always something I feared. I had always set a high standard for myself once I realized my own value. I would not start a project if I thought I could not do it right. Even a simple thing such as baking bread at home, I did not feel confident. Then I learned from various sources including my daughter, that failing at one attempt does not mean I’ll fail all the time. Failing maybe the first a step towards learning, and eventually, achievement. So, I tried and after a few attempts I can bake vegan and gluten-free bread and muffins without a problem.
5. People pleasing. This is a condition many of us get caught in to ‘keep the peace’ or ‘avoid abuse’. I realized I had been doing this habitually quite late in life. When you feel alone with no backup or tools to help you deal with situations where you feel unsafe, or more like you’re too ashamed to ask for help, then people pleasing comes naturally. Once I had the courage to ask for help and tools, and re-evaluate my worth and achievements, I stopped pleasing people. Now I know how to set boundaries assertively but kindly. I have learned to use the tools that were provided to me during Marilyn’s course. No more people pleasing for me. I’m happier, more authentic, and feel supported as I now I have a cohort of people who have been in similar situations and are learning to empower themselves too.
I find that support helps. Sometimes you need tools to be able to deal with letting go; as I did in the boundaries course. There is great strength in finding help such as tools from a trauma-informed coach or an app like Mornings with Marilyn. I find this app useful, affordable in a soothing voice, with the bonus being that you have it with you all the time after you download it on your mobile phone.
Share with us your challenges in letting go of things.
Written by the inimitable guest blogger: Dr. Margaret Cornelius.
