Integritus Prime

Over the last month or so I’ve talked to several friends and colleagues who are going through separations and divorces. A pattern I noticed when talking to them was an external-focused wish for future happiness. They felt they couldn’t be happy until some external event had happened, for example, until their ex forgave them or was happy again, or until the legal battle was over, or until they found their new or true love.

I was struck by this tendency to rely on another person or an event for happiness. My own happiness comes through meditation and a diligent practice of self-love. Through painful experiences, I’ve come to learn that loving myself has many advantages. I was engaged a long time ago to an abusive man and then in a relationship with a manipulative man-child for a while. As a result, I have been commitment-phobic for a long time, although by nature I am a very loyal person who craves love, romance, and partnership.

As I healed my past, I embraced self-love and two years ago I married myself in a ceremony in which I read out vows that were affirmations about self-love. I wear an emerald, my birthstone, on my ring finger. I take myself out on fun dates. I don’t wait around for anyone to love me. I lead the way, and set the example.

So, you might be thinking, what are the benefits of such a practice?

 

Let’s look at just three reasons that self-love should be a top priority for you, especially romantically:

1. Learning about yourself: When you take yourself out on fun dates and explore your interests, you learn and affirm what you like. You create opportunities to listen to your inner voice and fulfill your needs and desires. For me, I’ve learned that I like to go to the movies when it’s not too crowded (introvert, yes I am!), I like to explore different ethnic cuisines, I love dancing, and I love to walk in nature. I also love nerdy experiences to do with Star Wars and Transformers. So, I give these experiences to myself regularly as a way of loving myself, learning about myself, and living my truth. I even named my company Alchemus Prime because it reflects my true self, dork and all.

2. Living life now: When we pin our hopes for happiness on external events or people, we put our lives on hold. We sacrifice the present for a future we hope will be great, and create opportunities for disappointment. Instead, we can practice loving ourselves each and every day, and live the way we want, now. Then, if a potential partner shows up, we are less likely to give up the life we have cultivated, which also leads to disappointment.

3. Discerning real love when it arrives. How will you know someone truly loves you if you don’t truly love you? For example, if you take yourself out to dinner regularly, and know how to treat yourself, then you can compare your solo experience with the outing you have with a potential partner. Do they treat you as well as you treat yourself? Do they give you as much love and consideration as you give yourself? And, do they love themselves? True love is not about seeking what is missing in ourselves in our partners, but being complete as individuals and moving forward together in a changing world, adapting, and choosing to love each other through the ups and downs.

 

For the past few years I’ve been very focused on my practice of self-love and it is a lot of hard work because it involves getting rid of past conditioning, self-doubt, and a host of other limiting habits and beliefs. I never thought I’d be writing about it though, because I don’t think of myself as an expert on love, but one of my friends recently put it on my radar by telling me to write a book about self-love. I’ll definitely consider writing that book, but for now, I’ll leave you with this post. Update: two days ago, the book outline and main points arrived into my brain at 5am, so I wrote it up. After breakfast, meetings and meditation, I sat down to format and write the book around 4pm, and by 9pm it was drafted. Stay tuned for our book launch in May!

Also look out for Part II of this blog series, in which I’ll share 3 more important and practical reasons to love yourself, beyond the reasons I cover here. 

So, tell me what you think and share your own experiences with self-love and what works for you. If you like what you read, drop me a note and let’s talk further.