Integritus Prime

It’s time to sleep. My body is appropriately tired from swimming.

But there’s a portal in my stomach through which sleep has disappeared to another dimension.

Hypervigilance combined with jet lag turn me into a more wakeful creature than usual. I scour books, becoming intimately involved in others’ stories.

I inhale lavender. I toss and turn.

I notice my muscles. I stretch.

I contemplate watching stand up comedy. Laughter loosens vigilance, nudging the body to safety. But my eyes want darkness. No more screen time, please.

So, I alternate. Reading, tossing with lights off, music therapy, rinse and repeat.

I sleep two hours.

I am fully functional. I know tomorrow night will be better.

I take vitamins to ensure I’m resilient. I keep my thoughts resilient too with the vitamin of positive self-talk. Vitamin PST24 (Positive Self-Talk 24 hours a day) is my jam. All day long I am telling myself I’m good. I’ve got this.

And, over the years, I have come to believe it. No more fear.

Let the vigilance be. Accept. Move on.

My vigilance comes from a valid place. A time when things were not safe. A loved one in danger in the wee hours. My body remembers.

I honor the remembrance. I give it time.

Time is awake. So am I.

Life is beautiful. Vigilance is love. Awakening to that love, I surrender.

I understand: love transcends everything. Sleep is but one example.

I am at peace with this portal in my stomach. I learn a lot in the dimension of wakefulness about what matters.

Relationships matter. Everything else is a cleverly cloaked distraction.