5 Ways to Catch a Manipulator in the Act
Recently, I’ve had some interesting experiences that forced me to observe carefully. I wanted to see if I was being manipulated. What I found helpful was to refrain from judging (this can be so difficult), but to let the data show me what was really happening. My intuition and experience also helped, but I made decisions based on evidence.
Here are five ways to see if someone is manipulating you:
- Deception: A person says one thing, then does the opposite. For instance, a person might be saying they are never the jealous type, to gain your trust and to get you to feel safe with them. Then, they display jealous behavior in a masked way, e.g. with humor.
- Gaslighting: Denying your reality and evidence by sticking to their false version of what happened, and blaming you for getting it wrong.
- Charm: Excessive charm can fool you into thinking a person is into you, while they are seeking to tear you down after building you up (love-bombing), due to deep-seated insecurity.
- Fixation on appearance: The person is obsessed with how they appear, and spend a lot of time crafting their image, whether it is through fashion or building muscles. This also masks deep insecurity.
- Grooming: The person makes you feel special, often singling you out for praise and confiding things, giving gifts to quickly build closeness. Then, they begin small boundary violations to see if you will accept them or protest. If you’re silent, they keep going.
- Avoidance: Quietly avoiding meetings with those they suspect will figure them out, and ignoring certain topics because they are hiding things.
- Projection: Accusing others of certain behaviors, e.g. promiscuity, while secretly engaging in those very behaviors.
There are many more things we can observe. Through careful observation, we can figure out when someone is attempting to manipulate us. Often, there are small giveaways, like their jealousy or insecurity may show up in a quiet, underhanded comment. The way they touch you might be sleazy, while they verbally maintain a pristine intention. They might sigh with fatigue because they are performing all the time.
The trick is to take your time, and keep observing. Don’t make any commitments, or judgments until you’re certain. And, above all, keep your boundaries strong.
Share with us your own experiences with a manipulator.
