Integritus Prime

Recently, I met a person who instantly felt like someone I had known before. I felt a sense of recognition and connection. It was a magical feeling.

Of course, when this happens, the mind begins to concoct scenarios of possible futures – will this person be a friend, or a romance, or something else?

Trauma responses also start to flood in – will this person be trustworthy? Will they deceive?

Through therapy, I’ve come to a place where I can simply watch these reactive scenes play out, but spend less time engaging in them. Instead, I can pace myself, stay aware of my boundaries, and engage in the present with awareness.

I ended up continuing to connect with this person, and they connected with me. We found myriad interests, habits, and characteristics in common. They fit in well with my family.

I noticed their efforts to spend time with me and my family. I noticed their communicative nature. I observed the ease and enjoyment I felt in their presence. I enjoyed the humor and playfulness.

I chose not to label or overthink. I stayed present.

Three things stood out:

1. My ability to not judge, but to stay present, has been a significant shift.
2. My ability to not let old triggers control me, but to navigate mindfully, has been instrumental.
3. My choice to navigate the budding connection within my boundaries with love and authenticity has been a game changer.

I had also noticed micro-moments of performance in this person – the feeling that they were putting on a show. Because things happened quickly, and they bombarded me with gestures of affection, it was hard to track my intuition at times.

Then, after a couple of days of reflection and alone time away from them, I saw evidence of deception and manipulation. They were attempting to create a trauma bond. I noticed it, and took time to reflect on it. I journaled about it. I spoke to my family about it. I asked my therapist for guidance.

I didn’t take it personally. I set boundaries accordingly. There wasn’t any huge reaction in me, just clarity about what to do, based on my values and who I am. I did overanalyze for a while, seeking indication of their intentions. My therapist said there’s no way to know for sure, so let go. I did.

I am fortunate, because as a survivor who works on trauma issues daily, I was able to discern this person’s intentions quickly and with a lot of clarity.

Here are three ways to know if you’re being groomed for emotional abuse, which means they are putting their hooks into you:

1. They treat you as if you are super special. It’s a bit like love-bombing. The soul-mate story – they shower you with affection and gifts and their time.
2. They woo your family. They try to get your family on their side, so that later, when they start the abuse, no one will believe you.
3. They test the waters. They do one small inappropriate thing to see if you will protest. For instance, they might touch you inappropriately, or demean you. If you don’t say anything, they will take that as a sign to continue.

Eventually, the abuse increases, along with denial and masking on their end, so no one can see the abuse except you. Plus, they gaslight you so you feel like your reality is warped. You begin to feel crazed. This is emotional abuse at its finest.

It’s important to stay mindful, and take things slowly. Importantly, do not label negative experiences as part of you, or blame yourself, but see them as opportunities to learn and continue to break patterns.

Consistency over intensity is a great rule of thumb for relationships. Stay present, and trust yourself – always. And remember – give it time – truth always reveals itself.