Integritus Prime

The vulnerable or covert narcissist is an archetype I’ve seen more than enough of personally and professionally in my lifetime. As it turns out, I am often hired to help others cope with them. Hence, my life experience comes in handy. In this post, I want to highlight some ways to know which side of the vulnerable narcissist you are on. Sometimes, you might get a hit of both sides, and that’s when things start to unravel.

Side 1: The Victim

The vulnerable narcissist will play the victim. They will tell you how badly someone else is treating them. They will make their suffering seem really agonizing. They will cry. They will ask for help. You will be drawn in to empathize and support them. You may develop a sense of loyalty to them, because they appear humble, sincere, and genuine. You will think of them as a solid person who is having a difficult time and being mistreated.

Now, it’s possible that a vulnerable narcissist IS in fact being mistreated, and is a real victim. However, the fact that you only see this side of them, is a manipulation. They control the narrative and therefore your impression of them.

Side 2: The Perpetrator

Vulnerable narcissists, when triggered, can be passive-aggressive, verbally abusive with no accountability or even idea of how scathing they are being, and they have low empathy, so they can look at someone who they have made to suffer, without really feeling anything. They will control as much of their life and others’ too, as they can. They have poor boundaries with others and with self, for instance they may be workaholics. They may have anxiety and insecurity (never feeling like they are good enough), masked by confidence. They feel envy but hide it, and profess confidence even though it may be false – they crave to be liked and admired. They can give you the silent treatment when they get angry.

Basically, if you’re around them a lot, you will start to feel like you’re always on eggshells, not knowing when they might get angry. Things will be confusing and you will always seem to be at fault. Nothing you do will be right, and eventually your self-esteem will be depleted and you will become depressed.

What to do

When you see both sides, you start to realize you are in their pattern, and this is why you are feeling so uncomfortable and depleted. This is a tough situation, especially if the vulnerable narcissist is a colleague or loved one. But there are things you can do. It is important to set clear boundaries, rebuild your self-esteem, get therapy or coaching, release guilt and spend time alone so you can maintain your sense of self.

Share with me your own experiences with a covert or vulnerable narcissist.