Integritus Prime

Trauma patterns play out in cycles. With all my work as a coach and facilitator, plus my own experiences as trauma survivor, I’m in a phase where I am bringing more and more trauma patterns to light. One of the trauma patterns that fascinates me is the abuser with narcissistic tendencies and their abusive cycle. Recently I gained a ton of perspective from my therapist (Thanks Dr. TJ!!), which I want to share in this post. This is not for the faint-hearted so buckle up and trigger warnings galore.

A person who was severely abused (sexually, physically, emotionally, and/or verbally) at a young age develops narcissistic traits. In simple terms, as adults are self-obsessed, manipulative, charming, and scathingly abusive. If you live with one, you might notice these behavior patterns: they are argumentative (they have to be right), retaliative (they verbally attack you), reactive (they have sudden big outbursts of anger), and manipulative (they control and deceive). On the inside, they have massive insecurity, and they are bottling up their feelings of fear, shame, victimhood, rejection, guilt, and rage.

Let’s look at the breakdown of what’s happening and how the inner and outer workings interact.

• The argumentative nature of the narcissistic abuser means they are less likely to validate your perspective because they have no empathy, and they will fight you and escalate the situation to win arguments and be right. You might back down to “keep the peace”.
• Being retaliative means they might love-bomb you (build you up), gaslight you (tear you down), and engage in what my therapist calls undoing – they do nice things to undo the mean things they did to you. If you don’t accept the nice gestures because you want an apology, they feel unappreciated and default to being a victim. You might relent, and submit to the cycle.
• Being reactive means they will have outbursts of rage because of their inner shame story and suppressed emotions, and they will verbally attack you. Their triggers are deep, and they can be merciless in their attacks. You might break down, and then they relax and can be kind because they see the power they have over you.
• Being manipulative in this context means they will take the role of the victim at all costs, which usually involves lying. This means they have zero accountability. They will do deceitful things and cover it up with no remorse, then become suspicious that you are deceiving them – they project their own behavior onto you. You might continue to work harder to convince them you are true to them…

This cycle repeats. It is unlikely to end, because abusers in this loop rarely admit to being at fault and will not go for professional help. Here’s how to manage:

1. Cultivate a habit of radical acceptance: accepting reality doesn’t mean you condone it, it means acknowledging that this is how this person is and you cannot change them. You can only change yourself.
2. Notice the cycle: also notice your feelings, the patterns of behavior, and the impacts. Notice the roles being played in the cycle.
3. Manage: this includes managing your pain, and regulating your emotions so your anger doesn’t fly into rage, and your sense of being rejected by them doesn’t make you reactive. Manage your role in the cycle – instead of allowing it to throw you off completely, become an observer. In this way, you can exert some power and self-control.
4. Respond: you can respond calmly, or even with silence. You can set boundaries, and take space to recover. You can do something caring for yourself, and focus your energy elsewhere. You can go to therapy and have a supportive circle of friends.

It is possible, with regular self-development work such as therapy, reflection and journaling, meditation and self-care, to live with a manipulator. Sometimes, for various reasons, you may not be able to leave the situation. You realize you love them, but you may not like them at all. While the reasons for their behavior are valid, as adults it is their responsibility to heal and change. Your responsibility is to protect yourself and stay centered. Do your best, and let’s continue the practice of being the best we can be.