Integritus Prime

Last week we shared some thoughts on the emotional baggage parents create in their children; this week our focus in on shared baggage between siblings. Inevitably, siblings end up creating issues for each other – some of it happens naturally, and some of it is intentional, either through the parents, or through the siblings themselves.

In this post, we share 6 types of emotional baggage that siblings experience. Of course, there are plenty more – see if you can add to the list.

1. Sibling Rivalry: Inevitably, we experience jealousy when our younger sibling is born, especially if we are the firstborn. While we were the center of attention for a while, all the attention is suddenly going to the newborn, and we feel left out. Of course, we are young and we forget that we commanded the same level of attention as a newborn too. So, sibling rivalry sets in, and the older sibling may find ways to sabotage the younger one as time goes on. Parents need to be vigilant and kind about this, and ensure the older sibling receives enough attention and explanation about what is going on for them.
2. Comparison: As discussed previously, comparing siblings can create issues because it results in a feeling of being less than, or not good enough. This can create havoc with low self-esteem and jealousy, with children acting out to get attention and feel loved and accepted for who they are.
3. Stereotypes: Siblings may find themselves falling into stereotypes that are based on gender, culture, and patriarchy. For instance, boys may judge their sisters as weak when they cry, and girls may force their brothers not to cry so they can be stoic. In many families, girl children are treated very differently than boy children, including when it comes to professions, dating, and marriage. Boys may be encouraged to take risks in each of these realms, but girls are told to be conservative.
4. Witnessing Abuse: we internalize what we see and experience in the home. If our elder sibling hits another sibling, we may figure out ways to avoid getting hit, and sometimes these ways can be harmful. For instance, blaming other siblings to protect yourself.
5. Dysfunctional family: In families where there is abuse, siblings take on roles to help the family cope. A classic example is the middle child, who is often the one that holds the family together logistically – doing the finances, and making decisions that the alcoholic, verbally abusive father cannot make.
6. Intergenerational patterns: In many cases, siblings will inherit the patterns of their parents, and think, feel and/or behave in similar ways. For instance, siblings may parent the way their parents parented them. They may hold grudges, biases, and triggers that are similar to what they learned from each other as children – one example is that siblings, during reunions, take on the roles they used to play, such as bully and victim. Another example is thinking that boys are the natural heirs of family assets and girls should get married and have nothing more to do with the family.

As you can see, siblings can fall into many patterned ways of behaving due to shared family baggage. What are some ways you are breaking free of this? Share with us and let’s keep working to claim, unpack, and heal our shared baggage.