Integritus Prime

We recently started a new video series called Baggage Claim, focused on shared baggage in relationships. In this post, I will focus on the very beginning – the baggage we receive from our parents or whoever raises us. Trigger warning: this is a tough topic, so be aware of your triggers, and give yourself time and space to process this content.

When we are born, we enter a system – often dysfunctional – that we live and grow in; it could be a nuclear or extended family, a foster home, or another arrangement. As children, we absorb everything around us before we have the ability to judge right from wrong. Here are 5 ways we absorb emotional baggage or trauma from our parents or guardians:

1. Direct Abuse: As children, we are at the mercy of our parents, relatives, and caregivers. If they abuse us mentally, emotionally, physically and/or sexually, we absorb it all. Some examples of direct abuse include being yelled at, manipulated, neglected, beaten, molested, and raped. The trauma from these types of direct abuse can be significant and control how we develop into adults, our behavior, and our relationships. We may exhibit one of more of the four trauma responses: freeze, fawn, fight and flight.
2. Witnessed Abuse: We may also see and hear abuse happening in our households. For example, if our father screams at our mother regularly, or beats her or rapes her, we may grow up with intense fear. This fear may become our constant companion in navigating life as teens and adults, sometimes also resulting in people-pleasing (fawning) or the freeze response.
3. Expectations: Parents and relatives often impose expectations on us as children. These can range from wanting us to follow a particular career path, to comparing us to other children who they see as “better” than us in some way. Expectations can be around religion, culture, gender, and racism too, which influence our thinking and behavior – for instance expecting girls to be nice to everyone regardless of their discomfort, or modeling to us to not trust a particular race or ethnicity. These expectations can often cause us to feel not good enough, or become prejudiced, which can influence our relationships, career choices, and coping mechanisms such as drugs or alcohol.
4. Coping Mechanisms: We also take on our parents’ coping mechanisms. For example, if our parents smoke and drink alcohol to drown their pain, it’s very likely we will turn to the same methods of coping. Other coping mechanisms include emotional eating, drugs, and abusing others in some way.
5. Other dangers: As children, we are often exposed to many dangers, such as bullying at school and online, the lure of porn, and the general danger of doing whatever it takes to be liked and accepted, which is what children and teens are driven by – belonging.

What kinds of baggage are you carrying from your parents? Consider how you can free yourself. One offering I want to share is my book on trauma patterns: From Abused to Empowered.