Integritus Prime

I’ve been reflecting a lot lately on accountability in personal relationships. In my latest book, The Relationship Standard: Five Ways to Know if any Relationship is Right for You, I dedicate a chapter to accountability. In this post, I want to summarize some of the main points.

Accountability is about keeping our word, and following through on what we said we would do. It’s about taking responsibility for our actions. It’s not as simple as it sounds, because several factors can complicate our ability to be accountable.

Here are five tips to help you navigate:

1. Be mindful of trauma patterns: Trauma from the past can affect how people show up in relationships. For those who were terrorized by their parents, it might seem natural to run away from relationships at the first sign of trouble.
2. Look for complete, explicit honesty: Accountability isn’t real if people lie or withhold pieces of information – that’s manipulation.
3. Notice if apologies are real: Real apologies take ownership of the hurt caused – they do not deflect responsibility.
4. Discern how commitments are handled: If a person makes commitments and regularly disappoints you without a reasonable explanation or effort to change their behavior, they have issues with commitment.
5. Notice if you’re chasing them: When people do not show up and you have to go looking for them, after they made an agreement to show up – it’s a red flag. An emergency warrants this kind of erratic behavior, but it should not be a habit you have to put up with.

These are just five tips for how to understand accountability better in any relationship. For more tips and four other must-haves in any relationship, check out the book.