Integritus Prime

This post was triggered by a particular moment in the film, Satyaprem ki Katha, which I very highly recommend by the way, and won’t spoil here. I do a lot of coaching work, and support high-performing teams. One of the tendencies I see across the board is the reluctance to stand up for ourselves.

We tend to want to avoid confrontations, including the discomfort we feel, and we give in to fear. We fail to set boundaries – some of my clients don’t even consider setting boundaries until we’ve talked about it and practiced how to do it well. We aren’t assertive and authentically confident. As a result, we stay stuck in toxic situations. This post looks at some of the reasons we tend to be in this predicament. Interestingly, they all have something to do with the toxic patriarchy.

1. Fear of authority: we are taught from a young age not to question authority, and to follow directions. When we, as children, speak up, we can be yelled at or beaten. This verbal and/or physical abuse can manifest as a fear of authority and conflict in our adult lives. As a result, we do not assert ourselves when there’s a risk of conflict.
2. Shame: When we experience intense emotions, we are told it’s a weakness. So, when we need to set boundaries after being hurt, we often resist it because we don’t want to admit being hurt. In abuse cases, there is a often a lot of family pressure to not speak up, and fear of shame that prevents us from speaking out, even though being abused is NEVER our fault.
3. Caretaking: Girls especially are taught from a young age to prioritize everyone else’s needs before their own. Therefore they are less likely to be assertive and ask for their own needs to be met. In fact, many women end up being completely selfless but also self-effacing, eventually resulting in burnout, continued low self-esteem, and/or low self-worth, which makes them vulnerable to predators like narcissists.
4. Apathy: Sometimes, due to our own lack of ability to make a change as explained by the above reasons, and the lack of good examples around us of assertive people, we don’t believe anything can change. Therefore, we don’t stand up for ourselves – we don’t see the point or it feels too difficult
5. Lack of support: The majority of us don’t have coaches or relatives or friends who are skilled at setting boundaries and being assertive, so it’s difficult to feel confident and break our usual patterns of avoiding confrontations or suppression of emotions. With a skilled coach, it is possible to overcome our barriers and become confidently able to stand up for what we believe is right for us, in ANY situation.

Reflect on your own experiences – what has helped you become more assertive?