Integritus Prime

I recently came across a system used in therapy, called Family Systems Theory. (FST) It was developed by psychiatrist Murray Bowen in the 1950s and basically says that families function as emotionally interconnected systems—changes in one member trigger reactions across the entire family. Makes sense, but there’s more. The FST model contains eight interrelated concepts including differentiating your self from the groupthink that often happens in dysfunctional families; emotional triangles where two family members are insiders and they make a third family member the outsider or villain or call them in to address conflict; and multigenerational transmission (conscious or subconscious passing on of patterns of reactivity, which together show how families manage anxiety and maintain emotional stability or the illusion of stability. Bowen emphasized we cannot understand individuals in isolation but within the broader context of their family relationship patterns and emotional interdependencies.

Within the FST model, there is a family member called the Identified Patient (IP), who is usually a child upon whom the family projects its trauma and blames or turns into a scapegoat. In other words, the black sheep of the family. The scapegoating is done to create a diversion from the elephant in the room: the dysfunction of the family and its illusion of stability. The IP might be the one who is least disturbed, but is carrying unresolved trauma from ancestors spanning generations.

The IP is someone who perturbs the system, through their behaviors and boundaries. Essentially, the IP voices the dysfunction that no one wants to talk about, such as an abusive family member who controls the entire family’s sense of safety, and they tip-toe around them depending on their mood.

If these four things are true for you, then you may be a black sheep in your family:

1. You have discerned and pushed back against dysfunction by saying no to the way things are always done in the family. My example is to fight back against sweeping important matters under the rug, and facing them so they can be discussed and addressed.
2. You have set boundaries to protect yourself against toxic and abusive behaviors and people. I have faced toxic and abusive behavior head on and stated that I will never support it. These days I keep away from toxic family members as a form of self-care.
3. You are often blamed as the problem because family members are deflecting attention to you to try and cover up the dysfunction they have normalized. I faced this when I decided to stand up for myself and stop being a doormat, because people-pleasing is a strong pattern I grew up with.
4. You have gone to therapy to heal yourself because you realize you can’t change your family. And, they self-stigmatize so they will never go to therapy. I started therapy due to family dysfunction, when the burden of being the scapegoat became too much.

The FST model provides many interesting and valid concepts for how to heal in dysfunctional families – most of us have them. What has been your greatest challenge and how do are you making progress with it? Mine is how to stop taking on reactive patterns that I’ve been around my whole life. It’s going to take more work but I am determined to do what it takes and be free. Being the master of your behavior is critical as an adult – and I am up for this next challenge.