4 Reasons People are Toxic
I’ve been reflecting a lot on toxic people. I am sure I was toxic at some point to others too. Being toxic means a person is harming others, causing conflict, manipulating, and displaying a host of other negative characteristics. Basically, their behavior leaves you feeling off – in specific ways:
- You feel like you’re being manipulated.
- You’re constantly confused by the person’s behavior.
- You feel like you deserve an apology that never comes.
- You always have to defend yourself to this person.
- You never feel fully comfortable around them.
- You feel bad about yourself in their presence.
Toxic people don’t respect boundaries. They are not kind, or supportive. They don’t listen, and hold grudges.
But why are toxic people the way they are?
- Abuse: Most toxic people have encountered abuse early in life. They have internalized and normalized that abuse, and are now dishing it out to others because they have not healed.
- Fight response: The trauma sustained from abuse has resulted in a fight response, so they initiate drama and conflict, blame you, and never take accountability.
- Loss of control: Being abused at a young age involves having things done to you (e.g. being beaten, molested, or worse) where you have no control. A trauma response to this is to be very controlling of others and outer situations to try and subconsciously gain that control that they lost in childhood.
- Insecurity: Toxic people are often deeply insecure, and they manipulate others and situations to make themselves look and feel superior, while putting others down.
In many cases, toxic people will derail relationships – at work and at home. They will hurt your feelings, undermine you, throw you under the bus, and then blame you for the consequences. It is a difficult situation that can be prolonged and painful. The best way to deal with them is to:
- Identify the negative behaviors and name them (document them if it’s a work situation)
- Set strong boundaries and enforce them
- Don’t play the drama game – detach and de-escalate
- Minimize your interactions with the toxic person as much as you can
- Do not take their behavior personally – it is not about you
- Get help to keep yourself from getting drained
Share with me your experiences with toxic people and what has worked for you.
