Integritus Prime

For the last year or so, it seems I’ve been surrounded by attachment. My own, and those of others. To be attached to someone or something means to have feelings, affection, fondness. I am using the term to include desire and possessiveness (wanting to have), not necessarily drawing upon attachment theory in this post – but that is a relevant line of work.

In life, we encounter many people. With some of them, we enter into relationships. One way of navigating these relationships is to distinguish between love and attachment. Here are three tips from my experience:

1. Emotions: When we love someone, we are making a consistent choice to offer love, compassion, kindness, and support. Attachment has more to do with wanting that person, wanting a particular arrangement (such as a relationship) with that person, and certain outcomes (such as monogamy or having a life and children together) or certain needs to be met (e.g. the need to be needed). Someone who loves you will love you without imposing upon you – it won’t be transactional. Someone who is attached to you will want something from you – your attention, your time, your attachment in return. Our feelings are our own responsibility.
2. Control: Attachment may breed control – we want things to be a certain way to feel more secure. We want a relationship with a person and we want them to be attached to us. With love, there is surrender of control. There is freedom to flow with who you are and to let the other person be who they are. There is trust and spaciousness. Love is led by freedom; attachment by fear. We attach to others when we are driven by need and insecurity. We offer love when we are complete within and have a strong sense of self.
3. Integrity: With love, we want to be true to ourselves. For instance, if we love someone and they harm us, we will set healthy boundaries and may love them from a distance. We will not allow the loss of who we are, because we have self-love. With attachment, we may lose ourselves in the relationship, becoming co-dependent.

People may say they love you, but look for signs of attachment. They might want you to feel a certain way, or want to steer you in a certain direction. Love will have no agenda, except for supporting your highest happiness, however that may manifest.

Share with me your thoughts on love and attachment.