Integritus Prime

I’ve been reflecting a lot on relationships and how they can heal us, or serve as festering grounds for playing out harmful behavior patterns. Through observations of what clients go through and my own family too, I’ve come to realize so much of what I don’t want, and focus on what I think is viable. For a basic standard of what I think relationships should bring, see my new book, The Relationship Standard.

In this post, I want to uncover how romantic relationships in particular fail us and those around us. Here are my top three observations:

1. Appearance versus reality: in so many relationships, I see that there are two versions – the one you see from the outside, and the real one. What we often see is two people who make a great team and provide counsel and care for everyone around them. They set a standard for how to make things work and they always seem to come out on top materially, and socially. On the inside, however, it’s a very different story. There is deep dysfunction, abuse, trauma, and consistent unhappiness that is swept under the carpet. How to break through: be authentic. Figure out who you are and be that person. If your partner is abusive, set boundaries. If your boundaries are consistently violated, and your partner does not respect you or change their behavior, seek help for you, seek couples therapy, and leave the relationship if nothing works – remember it takes two to make things work, and inner work is a foundation for healthy relationships.
2. Normalized Abuse: many relationships harbor normalized abuse. It’s considered natural to be yelled at by your partner, or emotionally manipulated or demeaned for small issues like the salt level in food or the way you’ve done the dishes. There are physical beatings, sexual assault and rape – indeed marital rape is a huge issue. Fiji is globally in the top 5 in terms of high levels of domestic violence, and a “paradise” where 90% of cases go unreported. Social norms are powerful: women are expected to stay and take the abuse as part of their lives. In the U.S. one in three rapes of females is by an intimate partner. How to break through: decide to break norms. Decide to speak out. Seek help from police, the court system, women’s shelters and job assistance programs so you can have a healthy life on your own terms.
3. Holding patterns: As a result of social norms dictated by patriarchy, women stay in abusive relationships (some men too), and the stuckness they experience becomes their whole lives. There are so many reasons to hold on to the stuckness: a roof over your head, financial security, children’s welfare (although in many cases child abuse is also happening so the relationship isn’t safe for them), and social approval. How to break through: make a plan, reach out to trusted supportive people, and obtain assistance so you can meet your needs and those of your children. Remember that all the abuse you accept, teaches your children that love is abusive.

If you are experiencing abuse and violence (emotional, verbal, physical and/or sexual) reach out for help and save yourself and your children. Recognize the forces – societal and psychological – that form barriers against you, and face them. Remember that your life, health, happiness and safety are more important, and without those, you cannot provide anything of quality to anyone you love.

Share with me what other ways romantic relationships fail us, and how you’ve broken through, or are working on it.