Integritus Prime

I’ve had ample opportunities to observe people pleasing recently – behaviors like not being able to say no, and becoming resentful when you become depleted. I find it fascinating and abhorrent at the same time – probably because I was a people pleaser until a few years ago.

People pleasing is a trauma response, and what therapists call a “safe behavior.” We do it to feel safe and to avoid more abuse and harm. The challenge is, we tend to continue with this behavior long after the threat of abuse is gone. At this point, people pleasing becomes inappropriate and invites others to take advantage of us and abuse us, recreating past situations. As always, when we live from pattern and not from authenticity, the consequences shape the quality of our life experiences in ways that can be harmful to others and to us.

My recent observations have shown me that people pleasing can be toxic because of the way it impacts relationships. Here are five things to look out for with people pleasers:

1. They can’t say no, and this causes harm: A true sign of a people pleaser is their inability to say no. They don’t set boundaries, and end up doing everything others want them to do. In family and work situations, this can create overload for others who share the home or office, and lead to burnout. Relationships can be damaged when a people pleaser says yes to something that puts undue burden on their loved ones or colleagues.
2. They exhaust themselves, and get sick often: Due to the inability to say no, people pleasers drive themselves to the point of exhaustion. As a result, they often become sick from overwork or doing too much for others in family and other social settings. They have no boundaries and do not prioritize self-care, hence self-sabotaging. If you’re in a situation where you are trying to keep up with them, chances are you will also burn out or get sick.
3. They become resentful, and may mistreat those around them: Over time, the people pleaser builds resentment within, from giving too much. This resentment can cause passive-aggressive behavior, anger, or even rage. They may snap at their colleagues or loved ones, not remembering or taking responsibility for the fact that they are making the choice to overdo things.
4. They invite abuse: In relationships, boundaries are important. People pleasing does not include setting good boundaries, so the persons for whom the people pleaser is bending over backwards will want more and more, and manipulate the situation to their advantage. As the goalposts move, the people pleaser continues to give, become exhausted, and harbor resentment.
5. They may not know how to stop: Unless a people pleaser goes for help and learns to set boundaries, things are unlikely to change. Because people pleasing is hardwired from childhood, and is a subconscious tactic to stay safe, the people pleaser will be uncomfortable changing this behavior, and prefer to stick to what they know, despite the negative consequences. This is why seeking guidance and support from a professional is important.

Share with me your experiences about people pleasing – does it affect your life?