Integritus Prime

In Part I of this series, I looked at what narcissism is, the various types, and what the vicious narcissistic relationship cycle looks like, along with my own examples. In this final post, I want to explore narcissistic supply, the relationship of narcissism to trauma, and Rebecca Zung’s SLAY technique for dealing with narcissists, as shared on Mel Robbins’ podcast. Let’s get going.

4. Narcissistic supply is the constant admiration and attention narcissists need. It takes many forms, but the most common are dominating and controlling others, getting compliments constantly, substance abuse, sex, feeding off others’ emotions, and attaching themselves to trophy wives or husbands. I recall being sucked dry of all my happiness and gratitude while living with my covert narcissist boyfriend. I would do all the housework, and when I was tired or annoyed due to lack of sleep or fatigue, I would be labeled as a person with anger issues. When I was happy and felt accomplished with what I had cooked, there would be a snide comment about not enough salt, with the implication that I didn’t know what I was doing. I was chastised for not wanting to go with him to events where I was the trophy. Nothing I did was good; he was even-keeled while I was an emotional mess – he even said this to me on occasion, and I began to believe it. I was completely drained of energy, and if I hadn’t gone to therapy, who knows what might have happened to me. These are all examples of coal level supply, according to Ms. Zung.

The second type of narcissistic supply is diamond level, and this constitutes keeping up a grand image, hanging out with celebrities and exuding charisma. I remember Mr. Grandiose going to shop for new accessories and clothes, and the first time I observed him do that, I felt his was obsessed with his image. It was like an addiction.

5. Narcissism can develop due to severe trauma. In all the ways I have suffered, my reading about narcissism and its connections to trauma have allowed me to have compassion for narcissists. Of course, having compassion does not mean I will unblock them or allow them to violate my boundaries ever again. But it does mean I can understand why they are the way they are. The podcast with Ms. Zung and Ms. Robbins gave me insight into one particular aspect of my relationship with my grandiose ex, and a couple of colleagues too. They would raise their voices, throw a huge tantrum, completely destroy me or someone else verbally, and storm off. Later, they would return and go on as if nothing had happened. I characterized this as the release of unmodulated anger, where the inner wounded child emerges, then retreats.

The podcast confirmed some of these suspicions, and added more detail. Ms. Zung explained that as a child, traumatic events caused frequent fight or flight responses in the body, which caused the limbic system (the part of the brain that governs emotional regulation) to slow down in its development compared to the prefrontal cortex, which governs rational thinking. This arrested development of the limbic system explains why the narcissist cannot control their emotions, including their anger, and why they do not have empathy. When a narcissist is triggered, the limbic system takes over and it is the traumatized child who is throwing the tantrum. Later, when the prefrontal cortex is back in charge, the narcissist actually does not remember what they said!

I experienced this one time with Mr. Grandiose – he tried to tear me down, saying I wasn’t qualified to be doing what I was doing (he ignored my PhD and many other things), and he was so scathing in his tone and volume that I decided then and there that I would not take any more of this. Later, he could not recall why I was so upset. I remember thinking he was manipulating me – but now I realize perhaps he could not remember. Of course, narcissists still cause damage, even if they don’t remember, but when I think about the fact that repeated childhood trauma caused this issue in their brain, I feel compassion for the narcissist. I realize they want to survive and these are their coping mechanisms. At the same time, my boundaries are strong and they will not budge. I must, first and foremost, protect and respect myself. So must you!

6. Dealing with narcissists. As I mentioned before, my tactic has been to walk away, block them, and in one case I threatened to expose the grandiose narcissist and it worked. Rebecca Zung provides her technique, called SLAY. Here’s what it entails:

Strategy: Ms. Zung uses strategy to mean a specific vision of what we want to happen. What outcomes do we want? In the case of the narcissist being a family member, we might want to limit the number of times we see them in a year, if possible – this is one of her examples. Once we have a clear strategy, we can take steps to achieve it. My strategy has always been no contact but with my own family members, I allow minimal contact – perhaps once a year if absolutely necessary.

Leverage: This refers to documenting everything so it can be used. There is also a tactic that Ms. Zung calls Fluff for Favor and Vomit Later – which involves manipulating the narcissist for the “right reasons” – that is, massaging their ego to get what you need. I would steer away from this tactic personally, because I don’t want to play the game. I suppose she is using the context of a messy divorce where you might need to play the game to get free. For me, I just want out! I do subscribe to documentation as a tactic – narcissists will notoriously deny things they said and did, so documentation might be very helpful in a legal situation and in the long term.

Anticipate: Ms. Zung emphasizes the importance of knowing who you’re dealing with, the type of narcissist and their next moves so you can stay ahead of them. I cannot agree more, but from my own painful experiences, I can say that it is difficult to see clearly when you’ve been manipulated so much. It is helpful to get a coach or therapist to help you see things clearly. This worked wonders for me – when my covert narcissist ex boyfriend lied to the therapist in our couples session, I knew it was over because he didn’t want to change or perhaps he could not change. Sadly, narcissists rarely change, and even more rarely do they admit they are a huge part of the problem.

You: The last step of the technique, according to Ms. Zung, is to focus on you. Stand in your authentic power, develop a strong mindset and carry on with your life. Believe you will come through this nightmare. I cannot agree more with this! I am a survivor of narcissistic abuse in romantic and professional relationships – and I am now thriving because I’ve learned so much from those painful experiences about who I am and what I deserve.

It is crucial to develop strong self-love and self-care practices, from which robust boundaries emerge that will protect you. Stay in touch with your real friends and run things by them; share with your coach or therapist so you can heal and avoid more entanglements with narcissists. Let me know how you’re doing.