Integritus Prime

I’ve been observing this phenomenon for a few years. A friend or relative calls up and asks a simple question that could be answered by common sense, or through Google. For example, they ask you how to set up their remote control, or how to get their car washed. It makes you wonder what is going on with this person, because these are simple things.

Another, and related, observation is that this person asks you these sorts of questions over the long-term – it’s a habit of theirs. Usually, this person has a domain in which they are highly skilled, and this is typically their career choice. In all other matters though, they rely on you.

When I began to observe more than one person doing this, and began to understand their trauma patterns, I came to the following insights:

1. They have or had a controlling parent: typically, a person who cannot think autonomously has been controlled from a very young age. They have been told what to do, and beaten or verbally abused for stepping out of line with any task. This leads to them always asking for direction, and being afraid to take initiative. As adults, they tend to find someone they feel safe with, and ask them things rather then venture out based on their own thinking, because of the past abuse associated with thinking for themselves.
2. They are subconsciously afraid to fail: Due to the past trauma that hasn’t healed, this type of person is still holding on to the fear of punishment. This prevents them from using their own judgment and taking calculated risks. They want to be told how to do things, because that was always safer.
3. They can manipulate: Because, as children, they learned how to avoid abuse by saying things to appease their abuser, this type of person can manipulate others to get assistance, be it money or help in kind. They can people please, or give the impression that they are suffering in order to get the help they need. Because it was a survival mechanism, it is deeply ingrained.

It is interesting to observe these tendencies and trauma patterns, and important to set strong boundaries so that we do not become used and abused. Often, the person isn’t aware of their patterns, so they are not actively working on their healing. In some cases, we can bring the pattern to their attention by setting boundaries, which can result in backlash, because they become uncomfortable or triggered when remembering the past. It is important to compassionately offer support while also ensuring we are being treated fairly. Share with me your own experiences with this, if you’ve faced it.